It's not been a great year.
Pretty daunting header, I know. Probably a bit dramatic, but although the events that have occured over this year have been...not THAT bad...the impact had been immense.
I think to get this across it's important for me to go with the flow, but add a tad of structure.
1.) What's happened?
2.) How do I feel?
You can skip to 2 tbh, the recounting is pretty much a filler episode.
1.) What's happened?
It kind of begins at the end of last year rolling into January. I left my home in Illinois to go try and get a job with my friend where I grew up. 2 hours away, I can still visit my roommates. I told them I was going to stay with my sister so I can at least pay my bills, and come back when I could figure something out. A few friends offered me places to stay, and I looked into planning those but they all fell through. So I was just chilling and working a shit job at a Kroger for 3-4 months.
This job was pretty ass. The management was horrid. They chewed everyone out for everything. They partook in workplace violations, and were all seemingly convinced that the rest of the store was out to get them. Now I was late a lot, by like 1-3 minutes often. ADHD time management has plagued me with this since I was young, and I can't medicate for it. No one really said anything to me about it, but I sure heard a lot about it from people in the store that weren't connected to me.
Behind the back complaints, no confrontation, no resolution.
I quit this job after getting called into the office for not clocking out on my 15 minute breaks. FYI: Labor laws state that 15s are paid, the 30 minute lunch is unpaid. I was being told to not get paid for my paid breaks. Nah.
I ended up getting a job back in Illinois and moved back in. They had brought another person into the house to live with us and I had no idea that was happening until I told them I was coming back. So the house was pretty cramped and we had to rotate sleeping schedules to accomidate. This rarely worked as I would be up until 5 hours before my shift before my bed wasn't being used. I ended up buying a little folding matress to sleep on the floor in the mornings, switching to the bed once free. It weighed really hard on me physically.
During this time I was also dealing with a falling out of a friend group. Now, from my end it had seemed that 2 from that group had screwed over one person, started dating, made that everyone's problem (so far as to get playful in a hotel room with several others in the same room at TwitchCon), took it personally when people left the group, blamed everyone besides themselves for people not "choosing their side" until it everyone but one person left them behind. i still hold this as true, as I've seen nothing else since that would sway me otherwise.
The issue then became that I couldn't hang out in a community I had been in for 6 years without being hawk watched (the two mentioned prior were admins of that community). All I heard was gossip from other admins and no explanations as to why. Apparently me hanging out with the whole rest of the group was not very cool!
Behind the back complaints, no confrontation, no resolution.
Now during the summer I was getting extremely overwhelmed with all of this. The physical environment I was living in was killing me. Like actually making me sick. It was dirty, cramped, loud, and I'm an introvert with slight germophobia. Every room I've had has been kept clean and organized, I retreat to myself often for recharge, and I am not very good at involving myself with people. This mental and physical toll was starting to show through the way I behaved. I started self deprecating jokes, not showering, not finding enjoyment in anything anymore. Full depressive swing. This was noticed by my roommates, but not in a way that would have sparked concern. Most of my self deprecating jokes wrapped them into the bundle because we lived in the same physical place. So, while I was dealing with my own self pity, I also noticed the people around me growing increasingly cold. I couldn't tell why that was.
I got offered to move in with an old friend up north and took the offer. 2 bed place, only 2 people, he keeps to himself like I do so it seemed like a good retreat in a town with IT jobs. I had thought initially that this was the cause of the cold shoulder from my roommates. I had asked them pretty consistently over the next couple months if there was anything I was doing that annoyed them or if they were ok. I was given "no, we're fine" every time. Turns out after the fact I learn that they were actually kinda pissed at me because of the things I said regarding the state of the place.
Behind the back complaints, no confrontation, no resolution.
That ended up getting ironed out. I love those people to death. They're like my family. I will never hold ill will towards them. So it kinda felt like the way was clearing for things to brighten up.
Lo and behold, the issue from the previous swelled for some time behind the scenes I guess because one of the other members of that group was directly in conflict with the prior two. I was friends with that one member and so I caught the strays for being "in cahoots" despite literally everyone else being friends with the one member. Eventually I got banned from that community for guilt by association, because minding my own business isn't enough anymore. even this got perpetuated for like a month or more after until I blew up about it being brought up.
Now, this past month I have gotten tidbits of tadbits here and there about how fucked up and deed a lot of that was and how in the dark I have been about shit. More behind the back chit chat. More having to read people about their motives or feelings towards me or others.
2.) How do I feel?
SO, this week, and specifically today (why else would I actually write?) I've been mulling over this shit. People lie. People will lie to your face and talk behind your back and there is absolutely nothing you can do but forcefully demand them into the truth. Gossip fuels people. Drama fuels people. No one is honest, people are manipulative, people try to show themselves in the best light while throwing others under the bus to make themselves feel like no one could possibly see them as flawed.
You ARE flawed. At least fucking own it.
Ultimately, I am tired. I'm tired of people. I think maybe my friends just kinda suck, minus a few. I have...like one friend I actually truly 100% trust to be real with me. One that tells me how they feel. One that won't bullshit to dodge confrontation or talk shit behind my back. It may be all I need, but I hate feeling like I cant trust the rest of the group I hang out with.
I don't feel as though I can follow through with any plans that I've made with any of them. I can't take bets, risks, chance on them.
I don't really know what to do...I need to consider who is worth my time. I can't dedicate time to friendships that aren't...real. I am sick and tired of fake shit. Cuz this sort of shit has BEEN happening for years. It's honestly like a loop. The amount of groups I have been through because people rip themselves apart over stupid shit and lies. Maybe it's hopeless...
But this one fucking dude also makes me know that it isn't. There are real af people out there. I just have to find them.
Signing off
I am currently at a point where I think my best option is to sign off. Skip town. Keep contact with the one real dude and just...not bother for a while. I need to focus. Lock in, as they say. My life is too short to waste running in circles. I'll keep y'all updated, whoever the fuck reads this, idk.
Stay Hacky...